ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at a store with narrow aisles. I turned down an aisle that had two women with carts. The first woman I encountered completely ignored me, so I gently pushed my cart past. The second woman was older, in her 60s or 70s, and asked if I would like to get through.

Thinking she was being courteous, I smiled and said, "Yes, please!" Her response caught me off guard: She said, "Use your words."

I froze, shocked, because this is the exact phrase my dad used with me as a child. So she repeated "Use your words" again.

Miss Manners, I am a grown woman in my mid-30s who was being talked down to like a child. So my smile faded and I said, "You're not my mom," then walked past her.

When I reached the end of the aisle, she called out after me to call me a "brat," and I looked back and said, "Well, I can't imagine how yours turned out!"

Given the situation, how could I have better handled myself with this condescending woman while maintaining dignity?

GENTLE READER: Literally any other way.

It is hard to take your argument seriously -- that you are a grown woman and not a child -- when you just threw a tantrum in a grocery store.

Miss Manners grants you that the other shopper started it. But being an adult means not taking the bait when someone else is rude to you. And yelling "You are not my mom!" is not the rousing argument you thought it was.

Next time, bypass the offender's admonishment and say tightly, "Thank you for moving." Or ignore her completely. Adults do so hate the silent treatment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I lent my friend an outfit and cardigan to wear to a wedding. Despite not wearing the cardigan, she washed it before returning it. As a result, it was ruined.

I didn't ask her not to wash it, and she didn't ask me if she should (or how). She's offered to pay for it, but it cost a lot more than she's used to paying for her clothes, so I feel bad that she's stuck paying for something she had no idea was expensive.

What is the laundry etiquette in cases like this? Should I have told her to return it unwashed? Should she have asked how I would like it returned? Do I have her reimburse me for it, or is it just water under the bridge?

She's a good friend and I don't want to lose her over this, but I admit I am feeling resentful.

GENTLE READER: There was no good way to have prevented this. If you had told her the sweater was dry-clean only, you would be presuming that she was going to pay to clean it -- which is the right thing to do, but not strictly required.

Miss Manners recommends that you let this go for the sake of the friendship and next time, do not lend things that are expensive, delicate or irreplaceable. Those are borrowing circumstances that do indeed lend themselves to resentment.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN